In every bank manager’s office is a piece of furniture which looks like a chair. When you visit your bank manager to borrow money, he points to this piece of furniture. He says, “Won’t you bend over my barrel?”
He knows that 9 out of 10 small-business owners wait until it’s too late to borrow the money their business needs.
If you are one the few who are ahead of this game, you feel no pressure. You’re laying a foundation for the future. You don’t need funds by the end of this month.
If you need the money at the end of this month, you cannot help but lean over. And if you have already written out the cheques, you’ll bend so far over, only your bottom will see the light.
Your bank manager conducts more than 10 negotiations about money every single day. You will borrow money once or twice each year. Who is likely to be better at this game?
I am glad we agree on that.
Let’s get back to your bottom. The last time we looked, it was in the air.
Your bank manager reaches behind his desk to find a large Queen Victoria pineapple. He grasps it by the green part, holding the sizeable spiky bit aloft. He vaults over his desk and rams the pineapple into your bottom.
I call it the banking miracle.
It isn’t a miracle because you feel no pain. Nor is it a miracle you can still walk. Nor is it a miracle is you have signed away every single thing you own in return for a small business overdraft. This includes everything you own now and every penny you will ever earn in the future. The miracle is that you feel so good about it.
When you walk out of the banker’s office, you high-five the security-guard. You’re so relieved you’ve bought more time. You feel like a helluva negotiator.
But, you’ve traded away all you own, and will ever own, for the temporary use of a mere pittance.
I did this as well — signing every proffered surety — and feeling great about every one.
And then the shyte hit the fan.
During this COVID-19 time, the power has moved even closer to the banks. We need them more than ever. This means we can expect to sign ever more guarantees, without any clue of what is still to come.
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